I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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