My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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