yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
