I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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