Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
