Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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