I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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