Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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