Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
