I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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