It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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