I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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