I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
