We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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