Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
