I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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