Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
