I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
