so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
