Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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