So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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