Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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