my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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