I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
