I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
