Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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