My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
