She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
