I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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