hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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