Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
