I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
