Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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