I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
