I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Pooping to opera.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
