I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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