Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
