this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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