the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
