I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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