I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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