words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
