Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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