Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
