i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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