is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
