More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
