My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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