On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
