your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize