Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
