It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
