i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i was born a porn star she said
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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