I have demons in me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
