hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
