my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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