we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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