My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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