we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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